“Listen, Granger, you know I normally don’t like to get all into people’s business but what Ron just did— that shit has to hurt. I mean, I haven’t been harboring a six year stalker crush on the dude or anything but it’s making my stomach squeamish watching them see who can swallow one and other’s face first. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve tumbled once or twice between the sheets with Lavender and the chick just sort of lays there like a dead fish. You know what’s the universal best way for a scorned woman to get back at someone though? Sleeping with a black man. Hey, how ya` doin— Dean Thomas, token black man of Hogwarts. My office hours are all the goddamn time and I’m really interested to see if your hair is that frizzy… everywhere, if you know what I’m sayin. So how abou— yo, Hermy, girl put down your wand. It was a joke, goddamn. You need to let them panties drop a few times like dead fish brown over there, might get rid of your `tude.”
“Seamus Finnigan— you sexy Irish bastard, is that a new haircut? It looks good, kid. Can’t really run my long, long fingers through it anymore but I guess there are other… things I could use my hands for. If you get what I’m getting at. Listen, I think we need to talk about what happened in the common room last year after everyone had gone to bed. I can tell you remember that shit by the way you’re biting your lips all seductive like. We don’t have to keep pretending it never happened, Finny Baby. If they didn’t want wands to be used like that they wouldn’t have shaped them the way they did. Now come on, why don’t we head on down to the Quidditch pitch. I’ll play beater, you play catcher.”
“Girl, where the fuck has your fine ass been my whole life (aka four books)? L-Bottoms and I have been talking and we wanted you to know we dig the Gaga lifestyle you workin with, that spacey post roofie’d look is getting us all kinds of randy. So if you wa— gnarles? The bloody hell is a gnarle— wait, is that some kind of weird sexual position? Because we’re down if it is, totally into that hard angle shit. Damn, this chick is hard to seduce. Alright, Nevs, hit her with that charming ass smile and I’mma flash some abs. One way or another, we’re all gonna be referred to as lovegood tonight.”
“Longbottom— bet you got a long front too, the way the ladies been trying to slip your heroic ass love potions all day, every day. Dude, I gotta say, you’ve become a pretty handsome son of a bitch. I was in the Great Hall yesterday and you was bending over tying your shoe and I was like ‘Damn, where did he get that ass and when can I get some for myself.’ Anyway dude, my blatant homosexual lust aside, I wanted to invite you into my swag organization called Dumbledore’s Army. What? Naw fuck Potter, I had this shit made and LLC’d back in the second book so his ass totally ripped me off. It’s cool though, Dean Thomas don’t hold no grudges. Come on, let’s go Night at the Roxbury the shit out of Luna until she’s down for some ebony and ivory lovin.”
We don’t really do requests at yellingrutherford but you know we figured— new blog, new rules. So like, if you had a situation you think Dean would be perfect in or a person you really need him to hit on and swag it up with, go ahead and shoot us a request and we’ll see what we can do for ya.
“What! Minority report— you know I love my ass some Asian girls. Alright, peep the facts real quick, I’m not gonna lie and say Diggory doesn’t look debonair like a motherfucker because he does but if we whipped out our wands right now, you know whose would be more impressive. Black hard wood, 10` inches, known to leave the ladies spellbound. Come on, girl, let a dope wizard explore your mystery of the orient and work his magic. You know what, Cedric can come too, fuck it— I ain’t into labels. Huh? So what if Harry needs some assistance? But— Bullshite! This is the second time you’ve cockblocked me out of a goddamn threesome, Professor Mcgonagall, one more time and we gonna throw down.”
“Really, girl? You rebounding on HP? You know I don’t believe your fine ass is over me right— shit is just not physically possible. Once you go Dean Thomas, you’ll be walking with a limp, I promise. Merlin, let a wizard get a hold of some hip one more time and you won’t even remember he’s the chosen one. Boy Who Lived? Who cares, you know I’m the Boy Who Slid… Between Them Thighs. Yeah, you know you wan— hold up, where you off to Granger? Chick, you better stop running, you know I’mma catch you.”